I’m Learnding

Yes, I have been gone. For awhile. I kept looking at the blog and my bloglines feeling like I needed to be concentrating on other things for awhile. It is true. There is a world outside of the internet. I have learned many things in my time away. Here are just a few:

1. I have become quite the loser. I am actually a little sad that Big Brother All Stars is over. I was pissed Boogie won. I miss Will and Janelle. Oh, look, I’m over it. I won’t even remember who these people are in a few months.
2. Stress+Alcohol+Cigarettes=neverending horrible heartburn that won’t go away even after consuming half a bottle of TUMS. Breathing in poison sucks.

3. Relationships are hard. Especially when you are in one with me.

4. People, I don’t have the time nor the energy to do the TV blog but trust me on this. Forget The Class. Forget Vanished. Please for the love of God let us all be able to forget Celebrity Duets. Do watch: The Nine, Six Degrees, Standoff(I love Ron Livingston) and Studio 60.

5. I love Mastercard commercials:

Coast to Coast Google Stalking: $0

Classmates.com Gold Membership: $9.95

Your friend emailing you this picture of a college crush dancing around in an oompa loompa costume at 34 years of age:
PRICELESS! (it’s ok, he’s still cute even with green hair.)

6. Someone will probably have to commit me when my dog dies(which she won’t, ever because I’m taking her to the Pet Sematary)

7. I really really really hate Blogger. It has the worst editing software ever. EVER.

8. I have become emotionally attached to most of the bloggers that I read. So much so, that this hiatus from reading blogs for the last 2 weeks has made me miss them.

9. My voice lessons are working out so well that I know I will sing in public again…but I still may have to be slightly intoxicated to do it.

10. When I know I am leaving somewhere I tend to pull away from everyone. It sucks. I need to stop doing that.

11. There is a reason why people call it “Crackberry”.

12. Whitney divorcing Bobby is like finding out Santa Claus is a crack addict.

13. Years of being out of school have rendered me virtually retarded. The GRE may as well be in Chinese.

We Remember September 11, 2001

This is a tribute to Nancy E. Perez done in accordance with the 2,996 project.

Once I started to search for information about Nancy, I couldn’t stop. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of information about her but there were so many messages on her Legacy.com message board about how wonderful she was. Heartfelt and painful messages of those that miss her terribly. To write this doesn’t seem to be enough for someone who’s heart appeared to be bigger than this tribute could ever appropriately describe. According to all that knew her, Ms Perez was as beautiful inside as she was outside.

Nancy E. Perez was born on February 12, 1965 in Cuba. In 1970, her family which consisted of three girls came to the United States. Nancy attended Emerson High School and Taylor Business Institute.

She was never married and never had children of her own but she was “Tia Nancy” to many. She loved children and always had a way with them.

A classic Nancy Perez story is about how she started taking karate in the late ’90’s and one day met a class of deaf children at her karate school. Intrigued, Ms. Perez, left, began learning American Sign Language and ended up teaching karate to the children she had befriended.
Legacy.com

She even wrote a book for her 8 year old cousin about a boy that was afraid to go to school.

Nancy was never afraid to try new things. Along with karate, she also took boxing lessons and went to Graceland. Family and friends describe her as being upbeat and said she would do anything for anyone.

She was 36 years old on September 11, 2001 and was working as a Port Authority Supervisor in One World Trade Center. Ms Perez died on that day but her spirit lives on in her family, friends, and all the children’s lives she touched.

Of course, she has now touched mine too. Please join with me in prayer for Nancy E. Perez, her family, and all of those that perished that fateful day.

Never forget.

Links for more information about Nancy E. Perez:

Nancy’s quilt in the United In Memory Quilt project

Legacy.com full article about Nancy

Legacy.com Guestbook for Nancy

Solving Problems My Way

Maybe I don’t need to really dig deep. Maybe I don’t need to figure out what the hell is wrong with my crazy ass. Maybe all I need to do is just steal this dog and make him mine, all miiiinnne.

Making the Big Mistakes

I almost didn’t come back. I considered just giving up blogging. So much is going on right now; I can’t even think straight let alone try to form coherent sentences. To let you know how I am feeling right now, I have one word. Overwhelmed.

Usually this feeling is manageable and may bring up a panic attack or two but all in all I can sit down, write out a list and feel better. Unfortunately, this time, it’s a little different because I don’t want to plan. I don’t want to try to nail down what I “need” to be doing in 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years.

People, I f’ed up. I f’ed up big time. I am so pissed because I thought that since I didn’t really get into a “real” relationship until I was 26 that I was ready for one. That I had already watched everyone else make all the mistakes. I wasn’t going to make those mistakes. I made the biggest one that a woman can make, recognized it and kept making it. Now I may lose my relationship because of it.

I lost myself. I made the all too classic female mistake and put Jason before myself. Now I am a mess. Last week, we went to counseling and I just broke the hell down, telling her how overwhelmed I was with everything. I said the feelings were overwhelmed and stuck. As we went on, she called me out on trying to blame it on the relationship. That wasn’t making me feel stuck, I was making me feel stuck.

I should probably clarify “stuck”. I felt like if I stayed with Jason, money issues would always keep me from doing what I really want to do. I need to find a new career and I have needed to for a long time but money always comes up as my reason to stay where I am. I also felt like maybe I wasn’t ready to do all the things I am “supposed” to be doing. I am not even close to ready for kids. I am not ready to stop drinking and start knitting. I may not even be ready to “settle down”. That last one scares the shit out of me. I’m 31 and I feel like it’s too late to start over. After hearing all of this, my therapist looked at me and said “You realize that feeling like it is too late is not logical, right? You are much too young to be thinking that way”. Of course I know it’s not logical but it’s an excuse for me not to have to change anything. It’s an excuse to stay where I am and not risk getting hurt.

She asked me at one point “Where is your faith?” That question startled me. I hadn’t thought about the fact that I used to be sure that everything would turn out the way it was supposed to no matter what risks I took. I had to think back and try to figure out when that ended and the overwhelming need to control everything began. Pinpointing it was easy the moment that I thought back to my financial and physical meltdown in 2002. That was the moment I lost it. I felt like I was screaming for help and no one understood how really dire the situation was. Everyone just kept telling me they couldn’t help me. I felt abandoned. I was sick and didn’t know what was wrong for 5 months without health insurance and no one could help me. The anxiety hit high gear that summer and panic attacks started at the end of 2002. I never associated my panic attacks as a lack of faith but that is exactly what they are. After that episode, I remember thinking the only person who can take care of me is me. I was completely on my own. It was the only time in my whole life that I felt completely alone in the world; I didn’t even turn to my religion anymore for comfort.

Basically this week was about getting back in touch with the deepest parts of me and trying to figure out how I really feel. The problem with getting back in touch with me is that Jason goes on the back burner and there is some guilt that goes with that. I started to work on taking the GREs to go to grad school. I have been thinking for a long time about going back to school. Getting my doctorate is a goal of mine but every time I think about it, I think about how much money it is going to cost and quickly dismiss the idea. This time, I am going to take it all a step at a time. I am going to take the GRE. Then apply. When I am accepted, then and only then will I worry about how I am going to pay for it.

Figuring out what I want to do next career wise is a big step for me. Going through with it with out getting bogged down by thinking too much about money will be another. My next step is figuring out if Jason and I are really meant to be together or if I am indeed just not ready to “settle down”. It breaks my heart to say that and it scares me more than anything else I will have to face.

But I know. I know I just need to take it step by step and, of course, have some faith.

No seriously, I’m on vacation

I knew as soon as I put that up I would have to post something. I just wanted to point out a post over at Mothergoosemouse that I loved today. It reminds me of my post about my experience with stupid boys in college.

Vacation

I have cramps and they are ouchy so I’m taking a week long break from the blogosphere. I really just need a vacation and since I have to wait until December for my real one, I’m going to take a break from blogging. I need to get some other aspects of my life in order right now. You know like trying to figure out our move and how the FUCK(oh yeah, I said it) we are going to move to NYC with this crap going on. See you next Monday!

It’s Jamaica, Mon

No, we aren’t getting married in Jamaica. We are going though for vacation. I just booked it for December. 6 days. 5 nights. Sandals Whitehouse. So excited. I have never been to the Caribbean and neither has Jason. I can’t tell you how much we need this. We have never been on vacation together for more than 2 days. Moving across the country and trying to start to plan a wedding at the same time has been daunting, time-consuming and full of arguments.

Jason has extra stress, he has just dropped his lifelong dream to become an actor and now works in an office as the assistants assistant. I can see it wearing on him. I can see that he expected it to be just a little easier to make the transition. He expected to keep his pride intact. The realization that this battle to figure what he wants to be when he grows up is not going to be won anytime soon. He’s 31 with no career and I see fear. The fear a lot of us had at 25 when we were wondering if we should stay in the careers most of us sort of “fell” into. The fear it wasn’t going to get better and if it did, was it going to be enough?

I am proud of him though. I may not express it as much as I should but I am so glad he went for his dream. How many of us can say we had the stones to do that? I didn’t. I don’t really regret it because I know why I didn’t and I am more than grateful that I ended up where I have. I do wonder what my life would’ve been like if I had. That’s it though, just wonder. No time for regrets. Time for new dreams. Adult dreams(not porn, you pervs). Dreams that we can dream together.

I am so glad he chose me to dream with.

The Perils of Pissing Off the Blogosphere

So the Forbes article was taken down off of their website. Blogma at Cnet published the part of the blogosphere’s response to that article. How did Forbes not anticipate such an angry response from women?

Hound From Hell

Miranda is driving me CRAZY this week. Like absolutely bat shit screaming like a lunatic “I am going to break many many valuable objects at any moment” crazy. She comes to work with me everyday and it has been pure joy. She plays all day with the various people in my office. Everyone loves her(of course they do, she’s, uh, the best dog ever). This week, however, there are new people coming in and out of the office. I suppose that since she has been coming here regularly for 2 months she now believes that this is her turf. Another turf like our apartment that she must warn all peoples in the vicinity that “a stranger is here! A STRANGER!”. Even worse “A stranger who will not immediately tell me how cute I am and pet me!!!!!”. So, she is barking. A LOT. I spend half my day working and half of it squeezing my nails into my palm until it bleeds shouting “NO MIRANDA! STOP IT!”. Which I totally learned from the Dog Whisperer. I mean, how can I just calmly call her away and give her a treat at a time like this? Hmmm? You tell me Cesar. You tell me.

Through all this, I have not been intelligent enough to just leave her at home like a normal human being would. Next week, there won’t be anymore visitors and I can bring her back but I can’t seem to leave her home this week. I walk towards the door in the mornings and I see her little puppy dog eyes looking at me as if to say “Is it work time? Are we going to that place where I get so much attention that I will conk out mid afternoon exhausted from all the love bestowed on me by my legion of fans?”. I then put on her seatbelt harness thingy and usher her out the door. Into another day of me wanting to stab myself through the eyes. The thing is the other people in the office all pout when I tell them I am going to have to leave her home. Uh, am I the only one bothered by her incessant yapping?

So, tomorrow and Friday I need to leave her home. I know this. I know I am a moron for bringing her in just because I can. That is really the reason I think why I keep bringing her in even though she has become a little yappy mcgee. BECAUSE I CAN. I am so ecstatic that I can bring her here everyday. I feel like I need to take advantage of it while it’s available. I need to leave her home though because, really, I like my new laptop and I can see it being broken into tiny pieces if this goes on much longer. This reminds me that maybe I need to start TIVOing The Dog Whisperer again.

P.S. Is that an orb coming out of Miranda’s butt in that picture?

Forbes Magazine-Haulin our asses back to 1955

Christina over at A Mommy Story discovered this article(or slideshow) at Forbes.com. Get ready to be nauseated. Seriously. I am in mega amounts of shock. I usually don’t write into magazines but I just sent an email to Forbes. This is just not only in terrible taste but it is really hurtful and disgusting. It sets us back ages and I am shocked something like this was put up by Forbes in 2006.

The slideshow is called “Reasons NOT to Marry a Career Woman”. I’ll just give you a little rundown of the reasons. Christina has some nice commentary over at her site about them.

1. You are less likely to get married to her. They give 3 lovely generalized reasons including “highly successful women are less likely to find a match”. Oh good, well, keep that stereotype going then, Forbes. The lonely homely bank CFO stays at work till all hours because all she has at home are her cats. How about doing one about lonely ugly fat male bank presidents that end up marrying women half their age who then leave them to die all alone. Not enough research for that? Well, I’m sure you could dig it out of whatever trash bag you dug this nugget out of.

2. If you do marry, you are more likely to get divorced. Yes, because then we can leave you and don’t depend on your money to support us. It’s probably a lot easier but I am sure that there are women out there staying in marriages because they can’t leave their husband due to financial reasons. They are more miserable but no, they aren’t divorcing you.

3. She is more likely to cheat on you. Really? Because my experience is, if someone wants to cheat on you, they will find a way to do it. Maybe being a “career woman” just affords more opportunities.

4. You are much less likely to have kids. Maybe career women would be more interested in having them if men would equally share the responsibilities of raising them but studies show that they still do not.

5. If you do have kids then your wife will more than likely be unhappy. So….if we do pop them out, then we are going to be whining at you all the time. Awesome.

6. Your house will be dirtier. Holy Jesus! Someone call Donna Reed! Maybe the husbands could clean sometime, huh? Maybe?

7. You’ll be unhappy if she makes more then you. If you are, than you are an idiot and you need serious therapy. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Unless she makes twice the amount you do, then get off your ass and get a better job or no, you will not be having any children.

8. She will be unhappy if she makes more than you. I have some experience with this. I make a lot more than Jason at the moment and I have indeed always made a bit more. The only time I was unhappy with that situation is when he was in a job where he was never going to make any more money. He didn’t really have a career and therefore wasn’t ever going to increase his earnings. As a woman, I can say I would prefer my husband make at least the amount I am making in case one of us loses our job.

9. You are more likely to fall ill. Ohhhh, poor baby, boo freakin hoo. Yeah, only non career women give a crap about your health. What a load of shit.

Feel free to write to Forbes to let them know your thoughts on their fabulous piece of journalism. By the way, there was no name attached to the slideshow. Maybe the author didn’t want to be named? Hmm, wonder why?

Email: readers@forbes.com