You Hit Eternity You Will Be Set Free
Dawn, who I have nicknamed “She-Ra Sunshine” because of her amazing ability to go through so much crap but still be strong, happy, and positive, had her BIL recently pass away. The post she did today was so positive because she felt still connected to him. Like he was still all around them. Signs that he was there and still looking after them have been all over the place. This totally reminded me of my own deeply felt losses in my family and how I have experienced moments that I know people who have passed are still around.
One such moment I experienced when I was 19 and home from college over winter break. My grandfather and I were very close when I was a child. He died when I was 13 from lung cancer and diabetes. By the time he died, it had been 2 years since he was actually the grandfather I knew so I don’t remember the last two years of his life. I feel that this is because I have blocked it out. That my 11 year old brain couldn’t handle it so it just let the images of him as a sick person float in and out of my consciousness.
Anyway, I have great memories of my grandfather. My grandparents had a house in Long Beach Island, NJ and every summer my mom and I would go down for the whole month of August. When I was a child, I used to get up from bed without actually fully waking up in the morning and go downstairs to where my grandparents were having their coffee in the living room. I would crawl into my grandfathers lap and go back to sleep. There are pictures of this ritual which helps me recall what it looked like but I still remember how he smelled. Mainly of cigarettes and Old Spice. I sit here even typing this now with tears in my eyes being able to recall the scent but not actually able to recreate it. It’s weird how you can recall a scent but not actually ever smell it again. It just sticks in your noggin, doesn’t it? Anyway, he also used to sing this song in the morning when we would sit down to eat breakfast, I can’t remember what the actual lyrics were but it was something about “Ham and Eggs”. I can literally picture him in process of sitting down in one of the yellow chairs at the dining table singing this song.
So, you get it, I have a lot of memories like that. To describe what this man meant to me as a child sums it up in what I said to my mom when I was 4 and didn’t have a clue what marriage meant. I told her that when I grew up I was going to marry my grandfather. Then she had to explain to me that it doesn’t work like that but the sentiment that I loved him so much that I wanted him around me forever is what you need to remember. We had a special bond.
Back to Winter Break 1994, I was dating Stumpy and had just pledged a sorority but I was kind of down because I had just switched my major from theatre to psychology. The stage fright had just sort of taken over and I didn’t know what to do so I had to switch. I remember being so sad that this was the end of my dream. I wanted to be a singer and I really thought that was what I was meant to be. So I just felt lost and afraid that if I didn’t sing then I would have to be this totally different person. I guess I sort of defined myself by singing and without it, I no longer had a definition.
I remember crying in my room one day, like one of those uncontrollable sobbing moments that make you exhusted so I ended up falling asleep. I think somewhere in it, I asked God for help. Help came in a form I did not expect, my grandfather. I dreamt about him and in my dream he just kept telling me over and over that it was ok. That I was going to be ok. Those were the words that he used but the feelings I was getting were that I wasn’t just my good singing voice, I was a person who other people loved and it wasn’t important what I did, what was important was who I was as a person. That was a feeling but he didn’t actually say those words. I remember waking up and feeling better, like a weight had been lifted. I thanked him, told him I loved him and never said a word about the dream to anyone lest they think I was coo coo for co co puffs. The next evening our family sat down at the table to eat and my brother who was 9 asked my mother very abruptly “Can you talk to people that are dead?”. My mother said “No John I don’t think you can, why?”. He then replied “Well, I thought I was talking to Grandpa in my room and I asked him if he was my guardian angel and he said “No, I’m Debbie’s”". I almost choked on my food. My brother hadn’t even really known my grandfather. He was 3 when he died. I told my parents about the dream I had the day before and the only expanation that any of us could come up with is that this had to be him letting me know he was still around. That I was not alone and he would always be there. My parents are not big believers in the supernatural or any of this coming back from the dead to give you a message stuff so their admission that they believed it was actually him was like an awesome validation for me that there was something to this life after death thing after all.
The only other communication from the other side that I can recall was much more subtle. My grandmother passed away when I was 23. She was as important to me as my grandfather. I was her only granddaughter and let’s just say, I got some more attention because of that. My grandmother was much more reserved than my grandfather so it’s kind of funny that his communication was on a much grander scale than hers. Although I do have to say that after I got the news that she had died I prayed and asked her not to come to me as a ghost or anything(I’m serious, I did). So maybe that was part of why she hasn’t shown up in such an obvious way. I believe my grandmother shows up through my great aunt. My great aunt is her older sister, she is 91 and still truckin. My great aunt gives me a $100 every year for my birthday. $50 from her and $50 from my grandmother. She also seems to know when I need help monetarily without me ever having to say anything at all. My grandmother helped pay for things that I really wanted to do without me knowing that she was the one paying for it. I got to go to Europe with a school choral program when I was 17 because of my grandmother. I was able to pay for my school books in college because of my grandmother. When I am really in a bind financially, no one can actually “bail me out” per se, but when there is an opportunity that I want to take but need some extra cash to do it…Aunt Greta is ALWAYS there to help. I would NEVER ask for it but every once in a great while Aunt Greta is there with a check to help. These aren’t big sums of money, let me point out. She’s not Donald Trump or anything but it’s just a enough to help me take the step I need to take. I believe that my grandmother is actually behind my aunt’s strange tendency to know when things in my life are going to take a turn and I’m going to need some extra help. The giving is all Aunt Greta because that is just the kind of generous person she is but the timing of these gifts is all my grandmother. This is HER way of coming through. No flashy dreams, no appearing to my brother in his room because her way would be something like this. Helping me out without me knowing it was her who did it.
There is one more way she has come through and perhaps this is the most meaningful way for me. I sang “Amazing Grace” at her funeral with my aunt. I tried to get out of it but my mother told me my grandmother would be so happy that I sang because she always loved my voice. I sang the song without any hesitation or stage fright. I felt completely at peace standing in front of this large group of people. I have never felt that since but I will never forget how nice it felt to sing and not be scared. I believe she guided me through it.
So those are my evidence that there is a thing called life after death. They are good enough evidence for me, I hope that you have had some of your own.
Hillylicious Says:
This has nothing to do with your post because I am saving it for when my sister is not yapping at me WHILE my nephew is screaming for cheerios but….
the dare will be done this weekend!
Mr. Fabulous Says:
I think that is so cool…
BlondeBlogger Says:
Awwww, Plunky, I love you!!!! You made me cry when I read your post. That was so sweet of you to say about me, and I could SO relate to your experiences, of course.
I’ve heard time and again that those we love that have passed on are able to visit us in our dreams. You can tell the difference between those dreams and regular dreams.
I lost my grandfather to Alzheimers when I was 15 and he too came to me in my dreams. There is no one in the world that can convince me that it wasn’t really him coming to say hello to me, and no one could ever convince me that I’m crazy to think that either! I felt it…I know it…there just aren’t words to describe how real it is.
How amazing that your brother said your grandfather is your guardian angel!! Oh my gosh, that’s so amazing!
I know our loved ones watch over us and are always with us.
Just yesterday, my uncle’s favorite song came on The View (Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw…it was played at his funeral). My uncle died from lung cancer two years ago this April 1.
Anyway, I stopped in my tracks, turned up the volume, cried my eyes out and held his picture to my heart.
I thought to myself that there had to be a reason for me hearing the song….there usually is. Well, I ended up talking to my aunt (his wife) that night for reasons unrelated and we had the most amazing heart-to-heart conversation about a bunch of stuff.
Turns out she’s had the surgery I’ll be getting, and we talked about losing my FIL just the way I lost my uncle, and how much we mean to each other. It was just an amazing conversation.
And in the end, she told me that for the second anniversary of his death, she is taking some of his ashes and having them put into necklaces and/or braceletes for her, my cousins and me. (A lady she knows designs this jewelry).
So, I’m going to have my uncle with me always in more ways than one now. I know that’s why I heard the song that day now.
I believe these signs are all around us for everyone….you just have to take notice, you know?
On a lighter note, I’m so glad I have a nickname now, too! LOL You are such a sweetheart!!!!! (((((HUGS))))