Hungry Like The Wolf
Recently I got back in contact with Wolf by accident. Now before everyone starts to tell me “You shouldn’t talk to him because he’s your ex-boyfriend and you are getting married”, let me tell you, I’ve heard it. To summarize our relationship as “ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend” is not quite accurate and an extreme oversimplification. We were friends that dated then broke up, then didn’t talk for awhile, then were friends again, then friends with benefits, then didn’t talk for awhile, then were friends again, then started the benefits again, then were just friends again. It was a cycle of lunacy that I’m not sure why either of us subjected ourselves to over and over. We were very good as friends, terrible as more than that.
Maybe you have had a friend who has been in this type of relationship where the mere mention of the person’s name makes you wince. I say the name “Wolf” and literally my friends eyes fill with disapproval and they look as if they want to grab me by my hair and bang my head up against a hard surface to see if that would bring me to my senses. It isn’t that they don’t like him; it’s that they had to hear about him day in and day out for 6 years. I would be fine, he and I would be friends, inevitably we’d mess it up and I would be a crying crazy loon. That had to frustrate the crap out of them.
Anyway, he met his wife and I started dating Jason around the same time in 2000. By this time, we had been just friends for 2 years and we continued to be until somewhere in mid 2002(I think). He seems to think I stopped communicating and I think he’s one who stopped…either way, we lost touch.
When we started talking again, I was happy to have my friend back but I did have something that ate at me. I needed to apologize for some things that I did that I wasn’t proud of and needed to get off my chest. See, back in the day, to say I was insecure was an understatement. I would pull out the “victim” routine at every open avenue. I played a constant “victim” with Wolf. I would blame him for everything that went wrong between us. I would say really mean horrible things to him. Things I would never say to anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, there were times when he deserved what I dished out but probably not to the level that I took it to. Looking back, I see that I very rarely got angry with people and if I did I wouldn’t tell them. So, what I think happened was that he got all of my anger. Basically I took out my anger on him even when he didn’t deserve it.
I have to tell you I have gotten a lot more out of getting back in touch with him than I thought I was going to. Owning up to my end of the deal was very important to me even if he wasn’t going to own up to his end. I didn’t need him to. I was a little weary about talking to him at first because I knew that he was such a powerful force in my life before. Fear that I would end up thinking about him in a “more than friends” type of way made me extremely nervous. He is married with a baby on the way and I am getting married after all. So the feelings that did pop up were a complete surprise.
After we spoke on the phone, he emailed me pictures of his wedding. Keep in mind that even when I was desperately in love with Jason, he got engaged and I told everyone I hoped he wouldn’t invite me to his wedding because I didn’t want to see him get married. Jason’s response was “I want to go because I want to see him get married”. Hee hee. You have to remember that Jason and I were friends for 10 years before we fell in love so he was around for Wolf. When I got the pictures of his wedding, I did not get the knot in my stomach that I expected. I felt happy for him. His wife is beautiful. In that “I don’t ever have to wear any makeup and I am still astonishingly pretty”sort of way. There were no pangs of jealousy (seriously, none). I found myself looking at her dress and admiring it. Seeing his best friend who looks EXACTLY like he did in high school and college (no extra weight, no receding hairline and he’s a millionaire, um, hello). I kind of wished we had been in touch so I could have been there. Jason even looked at all the pictures with me.
As Wolf and I emailed, I found myself falling in love with Jason all over again. Remembering the relationship that didn’t work was helping me appreciate the one that did. Jason loves me for everything I am. The good, the bad, the crazy (and there is obviously A LOT of crazy). He accepts me for the person I am and encourages me to become the person I want to be. I’m a lucky girl and I know I don’t always remember that.
Being in love with Wolf was hard. Made harder because he didn’t love me back. I remember just wanting to be important to him. He didn’t have to be in love with me, I just had to be important. I was important but I didn’t see it because I was too busy being an insecure mess. I don’t think I ever thought someone could love me the way Jason does. I didn’t think I would ever love someone the way I love him. Faults and all, he is still the best thing that has ever happened to me. Sometimes it takes a little bit of the past to make you realize how good your present really is.
Karl Says:
awww, a Valentine-worthy post, for sure. I think we’ve all been in some yo-yo relationships before, so it’s easy to relate to your story. By the way, Jason’s a helluva lucky guy to have you.
BlondeBlogger Says:
You’re back!!!! YAY!!! I missed you!!!!
Isn’t it great to have faced the past like that and now you can move on, knowing you don’t have to fear those old feelings? If you hadn’t done that, you never could’ve found that peace. So glad it worked out!
Bec Says:
Happy Valentines Day to you! All the love in the world to you!
Sometimes we have to get throught the hard to find beauty. And that’s what you are.
MK Says:
Okay, but here’s my question:
Why did you nickname him “Wolf?” If it’s the guy I am thinking of, I don’t think there could be a less appropriate nickname…
How about, “The Yiddish Hampster?”
;-)
PS: It’s Sunday, it’s 9:00 a.m., and I am at work. Did you expect me NOT to check your blog AND be sane at the same time? HA!