Packing Cleaning Panicking Packing
The panic attacks are now down to one a day. Whoo hoo! Progress, people, progress. If you have ever had one, you know that is still one too many. I’m exhausted most of the time these days. Let me tell y’all, anxiety is fricking tiring. I have a panic attack and then I feel like I could sleep for a week.
This weekend was spent packing and cleaning. Friday night, Jason and I did go out on our “date night” to see The Departed. Um, great flick. We both walked out saying that this is Scorsese’s Oscar. So good. With Matt Damon, Marky Mark(I can’t help it, I still call him that), and Leo DiCaprio in the cast, well, it was nice to look at.
On Sunday morning, I got to hang out with my friend Mike that I don’t see very often anymore. I miss him. It was nice to sit there with Mike and Jason and just goof around. They both make me so happy. We ate out and I didn’t have a full blown attack! Progress at every turn. I’m a little less crazy everyday (well, sort of).
Since my allergic reaction I have been getting up at 5:30am everyday to make a little eggs and toast to take my steroids. It sounds strange but I believe that I just happened to wake at that time when I first started taking them. Anyway, I have been taking that time every morning to kind of meditate and pray. I lost aspects of my religion when I left my comfy suburb of Philadelphia and I couldn’t quite reconcile what I had been taught and what my experiences were. So, instead of trying to reconcile it (cause that takes thought and effort) and form a solid belief system, I just kind of turned away from God entirely.
My Christianity is not something I discuss on here often, largely because I don’t agree with the fanatic Christians that seem to take center stage in the media these days. I feel like being a Christian has become a dirty word or that being a Christian makes me naive and stupid. In reality, I have thought long and hard in the last few weeks about the religion that I was more or less born into. As with any religion people can mold it into anything they want it to mean.
I can’t buy that homosexuals are going to hell. Sorry. I can’t buy that my Jewish future husband won’t be joining me in heaven either. Not so much. I don’t see God the way some Christians do I guess. I see him as loving more than punishing, I guess.
So every morning since the reaction I have been getting up and praying as the sun rises. It’s nice. I feel like since I am having these panic attacks about dying that maybe part can be alleviated by getting a sense of what I really believe will happen when I die. I long for that belief I held as a child of the eternal afterlife party in the sky. Maybe I do still believe that a little, maybe I don’t. I feel like once I get a clearer sense of it my fear won’t be able to overtake me anymore. Of course I won’t know until I really do die the truth of it all but at least I can have some faith that no matter what happens, I will be ok.
Hilly Says:
Wow, you just described my sense of Christianity. My belief, which I do talk about openly although I am right here with you on “Christian” being a dirty word, is that to be one, you need to be Christ-Like, not perfect. You need to find more of the spiritual kindness of it all, rather than the fire and brimstone. So, I know what you mean about praying; some times when I am having a rough day, I will find myself sitting with my head in my hands just asking God to take it away, while crying, LOL. It’s funny NOW cause I am not in the moment but still.
I am glad you are down to one attack a day, but yeah, still too much. The meds take awhile to kick in fully but once they do, whammo….happy peace time!
Javajabber Says:
I so totally get the panic attacks. I have been, or rather HAD been free and clear of them for almost two years, and now, well they’re back. But, I know what’s triggering them … I’m about to leave for a trip to see my mother. Funny, now that I think about it, the last time I saw her was, low and behold, two years ago!
I have something to take for the attacks. I just hope I don’t have to take all 10 pills in one day because I’ll be shit out of luck for the other 6 days I will be there.
I was born Roman Catholic. Went to Catholic grammar and jr. high school. Wanted to be a nun. Me … a freaking NUN!
Now, I haven’t seen the inside of a church in about 12 years. I’m officially agnostic. I pray. I just don’t know to who. I definitely believe … I just don’t know in what.
Take care …
Gladys Says:
I completely understand you about the panic attacks. I carry my med in my purse in case one pops up at any moment . I really don’t like to talk about religion, and it’s not that I’m a religious person but I’m a spiritual being. I haven’t gone to church in over 15 yrs, but I pray. Anyhow, love to read your blog…
Ananke Says:
I am so with you on the Christianity issue. I’ve never understood people who called themselves Christians who actually got giddy at the thought of God meting out terrible punishments to others because of (insert stupid reason). For me, God is all about loving and tolerance and forgiveness. Not striking you down because of what you believe or who you love or because you like to die your hair purple and wear black lipstick. OK, I’m climbing down off my soapbox now.
Mr. Fabulous Says:
I agree with you on Christianity. I am glad you are doing better. And I am SO with you on The Departed.
Gosh, I agree with everything!
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