Talk is Cheap
My friend wrote a comment today on a previous post that made me think about the fact that I write much better than I talk. For instance, if you would have asked me how I was doing the day I wrote that post, I probably would have told you that I am “good”. I probably would have told you about my plans for my move or the Jamaica vacation or the cross country trip. If you emailed me that day, you would have gotten a response very close to the post I wrote. For me, writing has always been the best way to express my feelings. The deepest ones. If I tried to say what I say on this blog in a conversation I probably would be nervously laughing and trying to gauge how you are feeling about me the whole time. In the end, I wouldn’t say half the things I say on here or in email or on birthday cards. I think when I speak; I am way too busy trying to assess how the other person is receiving the info than what I am truly trying to get across.
In junior high, I started a journal. I found my outlet for everything I held in. Back then, we still wrote letters and mailed them instead of sending emails across the ether. When I was angry at people, my mother would tell me to write all my feelings down in a letter to them and then put it in a drawer somewhere. Whatever I did, I was NOT to mail the letter. Unfortunately, I never did get the hang of that. I ALWAYS mailed them or gave them to the people. Sometimes that was a moronic thing to do and I would learn a lesson but sometimes it actually helped. I could never keep how I felt about people around me to myself. Thankfully, most of the time I was writing how much I loved them not how much I wished they hadn’t kissed my crush behind the cafeteria at lunch.
There have been moments on this blog where I wanted to praise people in my world. I haven’t because I don’t want to name them on here. It’s enough that I am exposing Jason to the world without his participation. It’s a whole different ball of wax to start writing about friends and family who get more than a little freaked out even thinking of any of their business being broadcast for anyone who googles “deb deborah cheat on my husband”. This is why my exboyfriends all have goofy names (I know one would KILL me if he knew I had a blog and was talking about him at all). I have even given a few of my friends pseudonyms to protect their identity. There are moments though that they strike a cord with me so much that I want to tell the world how awesome they are. How thankful I am for them. How selfless they can be. How without them I wouldn’t be who I am. How sometimes I just wish they lived down the street so I could tell them this funny thing that happened to me that day or cry to them about how I am so confused all the time.
Then there are the people I have lost touch with. The ones that let me go or I let go because at the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. There wasn’t any animosity or anger; it was just “time” for us to part ways. There are a few who I think about today and know I shouldn’t have let them go so easily. I should have called and called until they picked up the phone. I should have told them how much they meant to me when they finally picked it up. I know that some would have gone away no matter how hard I tried to keep them near but it doesn’t make me miss them any less. There are moments when I am feeling alone and I know one of them would have known exactly how I was feeling. They would have been able to relate better than anyone else, after all, they were my friend for a reason. We related.
My family is even more difficult for me to talk about on here. One reason is that my mom could be reading it. Even before I told my mom about it though, I have never delved back into my family’s past (except maybe for a mention of something here or there) or my childhood. It wasn’t exceptionally good or bad. As with everyone there is one glaring thing that every therapist latches onto for dear life as soon as they hear it because it’s so obviously traumatizing. I don’t want to get into that on here though because it just doesn’t seem relevant for me at 31 years old. Did I learn some bad habits from it? Do I struggle with coping mechanisms that are terribly outdated and overused? Sure but they are my problems. Not my parents or family. They did the best they could and they love me. They always have, I have always felt their love and that is something not everyone can say. So I try not to expose their lives too much on here. Plus, we have the same last name; I can not hide them with goofy nicknames.
As time goes on, hopefully I will find a way to praise the people on here in a way that they are comfortable with. I hope I can do them justice when I finally do. For now, I guess I’ll just go back to saying “thank you” to them in birthday cards and email.
Bec Says:
It is difficult knowing what to say, or how much on your blog. Should you mention people by name or will bthey be pissed? Family not appreciating the ‘publicity’… I am almost envious of those who dedicate their blogs to their family etc. - they have a predefined outlet for that stuff.
The once or twice I have done it on ‘Camel was difficult and took many hours or planning the phrasing… Far far too stressful!
So, yes, now it is a card or an email… at least they know how I feel.
Javajabber Says:
I have a blog that no one knows about. I started the blog because I needed to have a voice … even if no one heard me.
I come from a large family. None of them even know what a blog is … for which I am grateful. Most of my brothers and sisters don’t even have a computer … hard for me to get my brain around since I spent most of my career as a government employee mascarading as a network administrator and database programmer!
I will never, e.v.e.r. tell anyone about my blog. I will never divulge my identity via my blog.
I need a place where I am the me I hide from everyone else in the world. Where I can say what I want to say, even if I’m the only one who hears me.
Maybe you need a second blog. An anonymous blog. For yourself.
TB Says:
I like what Java said. An anon. blog would give you the freedom to not censor yourself and really get some stuff out there if you want to. Of course if you do start one, you have to tell us.
p
Otherwise, I don’t think anyone would mind you saying nice things about them. Who doesn’t love that.
ABlondeBlogger Says:
None of my “real life” friends or family read my blog. Some know about it, but they don’t know the name of it or how to get to it (at least I hope they don’t!). I just like being able to speak my mind without worrying about what they might be thinking. So, I know where you’re coming from!
LAW Says:
I use initials for everyone. Including myself. Lesson learned, I guess, from an old blog a few years back.
I’m a lot like you… well, okay, I’ve just come here for the first time today and skimmed some of your recent posts, so I guess it might be too soon to make that proclamation. But, I get it. The writing thing, that is.
I don’t speak much about things going on in my life or in my head. I also get the nervous laugh thing going on. And I get distracted. Like a defense mechanism. Suddenly I’m TOTALLY engrossed in some leaves on the ground, and I can’t articulate what I’m trying to say.
So… initials? What was I talking about? Just dropping a line to say I enjoyed reading and I’ll be back, I suppose.
Janet Says:
I find I rarely write about real life, actual happening to me type things on my blog. I dont know why that is. I’m not a particularly private person. I guess I just dont find it all that interesting, so why should all of you?! lol
Celise Says:
I feel the same as you, writing-wise. I think that’s how my writing started. I kept a diary when I was younger, then a journal as I got older. I think it was only natural to segue into novel writing. I find that I communicate better on paper. When my husband and I became exclusive, there were times he would get long emails from me because it was just easier for me to express my feelings about something he’d done. Like you, I think (probably way too much) before I speak, only to realize that what I wanted to say never got said because I was afraid of the reaction.
Truthfully, I still really can’t communicate my honest feelings to my husband. I hear something else in my head (snide + scathing + yelling = true thoughts) but end up saying something else (meek + pacifist + “nothing’s really wrong” = words he wanted to hear). He realizes that he can be a hard person to open up to and I think I’m probably too sensitive, but, well, we make it work somehow.
Celise Says:
I also agree with JavaJabber. I started a blog that no one knows about to record my dreams and nitemares. That’s just mine and I’m doing it to use as future writing material. I don’t advertise it on my blog and if someone happens upon it, they can only read, not comment. However, I think I might start up another one for my own thoughts. As just a way to yell and vent and say things that should’ve gotten said and never did–or do.
Dawn (webmiztris) Says:
ok, so I’m straight tripping. bloglines tells me you have a new post up and that you’re dying of hives and then I find nothing here. time to smoke another bowl…lol
ABlondeBlogger Says:
Oh my gosh! Same thing happened with me, Dawn!
Kentucky Girl Says:
I only post about and names of those who have put their names in my comments. I feel like they put it out there that I can feel free to use it. Right?
ABlondeBlogger Says:
Deb, where are you? I miss you and am worried about you!
Chase Says:
Hoochie coochie, where are youuuuuuuuuuu?? Did your face get un-ugly from the hives? I was SO looking foward to seeing those pictures.
Miss you. Love you. Hope you’re ok.
And I’m loving the hell out of my cd. THANK YOU.
Come back to me.
Slutbag.