Making the Big Mistakes
I almost didn’t come back. I considered just giving up blogging. So much is going on right now; I can’t even think straight let alone try to form coherent sentences. To let you know how I am feeling right now, I have one word. Overwhelmed.
Usually this feeling is manageable and may bring up a panic attack or two but all in all I can sit down, write out a list and feel better. Unfortunately, this time, it’s a little different because I don’t want to plan. I don’t want to try to nail down what I “need” to be doing in 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years.
People, I f’ed up. I f’ed up big time. I am so pissed because I thought that since I didn’t really get into a “real” relationship until I was 26 that I was ready for one. That I had already watched everyone else make all the mistakes. I wasn’t going to make those mistakes. I made the biggest one that a woman can make, recognized it and kept making it. Now I may lose my relationship because of it.
I lost myself. I made the all too classic female mistake and put Jason before myself. Now I am a mess. Last week, we went to counseling and I just broke the hell down, telling her how overwhelmed I was with everything. I said the feelings were overwhelmed and stuck. As we went on, she called me out on trying to blame it on the relationship. That wasn’t making me feel stuck, I was making me feel stuck.
I should probably clarify “stuck”. I felt like if I stayed with Jason, money issues would always keep me from doing what I really want to do. I need to find a new career and I have needed to for a long time but money always comes up as my reason to stay where I am. I also felt like maybe I wasn’t ready to do all the things I am “supposed” to be doing. I am not even close to ready for kids. I am not ready to stop drinking and start knitting. I may not even be ready to “settle down”. That last one scares the shit out of me. I’m 31 and I feel like it’s too late to start over. After hearing all of this, my therapist looked at me and said “You realize that feeling like it is too late is not logical, right? You are much too young to be thinking that way”. Of course I know it’s not logical but it’s an excuse for me not to have to change anything. It’s an excuse to stay where I am and not risk getting hurt.
She asked me at one point “Where is your faith?” That question startled me. I hadn’t thought about the fact that I used to be sure that everything would turn out the way it was supposed to no matter what risks I took. I had to think back and try to figure out when that ended and the overwhelming need to control everything began. Pinpointing it was easy the moment that I thought back to my financial and physical meltdown in 2002. That was the moment I lost it. I felt like I was screaming for help and no one understood how really dire the situation was. Everyone just kept telling me they couldn’t help me. I felt abandoned. I was sick and didn’t know what was wrong for 5 months without health insurance and no one could help me. The anxiety hit high gear that summer and panic attacks started at the end of 2002. I never associated my panic attacks as a lack of faith but that is exactly what they are. After that episode, I remember thinking the only person who can take care of me is me. I was completely on my own. It was the only time in my whole life that I felt completely alone in the world; I didn’t even turn to my religion anymore for comfort.
Basically this week was about getting back in touch with the deepest parts of me and trying to figure out how I really feel. The problem with getting back in touch with me is that Jason goes on the back burner and there is some guilt that goes with that. I started to work on taking the GREs to go to grad school. I have been thinking for a long time about going back to school. Getting my doctorate is a goal of mine but every time I think about it, I think about how much money it is going to cost and quickly dismiss the idea. This time, I am going to take it all a step at a time. I am going to take the GRE. Then apply. When I am accepted, then and only then will I worry about how I am going to pay for it.
Figuring out what I want to do next career wise is a big step for me. Going through with it with out getting bogged down by thinking too much about money will be another. My next step is figuring out if Jason and I are really meant to be together or if I am indeed just not ready to “settle down”. It breaks my heart to say that and it scares me more than anything else I will have to face.
But I know. I know I just need to take it step by step and, of course, have some faith.
Chase Says:
Oh, honey.
Oh, how I love you. And OH, how similar you and I are. I know your breakdowns because they are my own…I know your confusion…I know your losing yourself in that someone else is filling that void for you…
The guilt is palpable - I KNOW. But, you have to know that you need YOU more than anything. When you find you, you will find what you’re living for…and Jason may very well be at the end of that. And if not, then that’s the way it has to be.
Please, please, please call me if you need to talk. Or need to cry. Or need a place to clear your head (Oklahoma is BORING..come hide out!). Or anything.
I love you. *big hug*
JJ Says:
Never give up your dreams. For anyone.
If you do, you’ll hate them. And, more importantly, yourself.
Mr. Fabulous Says:
I agree. Don’t give up your dreams and don’t settle. It is FAR from too late to pursue your dreams. And if it’s 40 or more before you feel you are ready to settle down, who cares?
YOU do what is best for YOU. That is what matters.
Janet Says:
I also can so relate to this post! I have had very similiar feelings of being left behind or being lost in life. I’m just not where I thought I’d be by 29. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I hope you somehow feel the same now, too.:)
Hilly Says:
The thing about change is that everyone is scard as hell of it, but really it is the best fucking thing that can happen once we embrace it. And I am not saying that just to be some psycho-babbly beyotch….I say that because I have been you and I completely overhauled who I was at your age (only 3-4 years ago actually) and have loved life ever since.
I am sorry you feel stuck and am always here to listen because I wrote the book on sticking my own damned self in the mud bucket!
Hilly Says:
The thing about Hilly is that when she types scard, she means scared, FFS.
chellie Says:
(((((((((Hugs))))))))))…..If it will make you feel better you can slap Chase. It really picks me up:)
Chase Says:
Don’t listen to Chellie. She’s a bigger whoreface than you are.
We love you, Debbie.
Dawn (webmiztrs) Says:
oh wow…sometimes I think I need therapy too. there’s is all kinds of fucked up about me. I hope you find happiness - only you know what the right decision is, however difficult it may be to make. hugs, deb…
Celise Says:
Wow. All I have to say is that if Jason is willing to wait for you, then it’s right. And I agree with everyone else. Don’t give up your dreams for someone else. Just make sure the person wants to share them with you and help you obtain them.
Kentucky Girl Says:
Hugs to you! You should seriously take time for yourself, too. There isn’t anything wrong with it. Really. Luve yew and hope you’re feelin’ back to YOURSELF soon. Take care.
CP Says:
Just sayin’ the following and nothing more.
You know that man I call the “hotband”? The one who romances me like I am a rock star? Who reminds me that the sun rises and sets on my fat ass daily? The one who treats me the way every woman in the world should be treated?
Yeah.
Met him when I was 33, recently in the middle of getting divorced, two kids, no home, finishing nursing school and in deep financial shit.
I am now 40 and that life is GONE.
It is never too late to give yourself a second chance.
Just sayin’.
CP.
ABlondeBlogger Says:
Awww, Deb, I had no idea you were going through all of this. I wish I had the words to make it all better. Just know that I’m here for you. Please email me if you ever need to talk. I’ll be praying for you!
(((((((HUGS))))))
Bec Says:
Oh, honey… I am sending a hug across th waters and hoping that you find some peace.
TB Says:
Just keep that last sentence close to your heart, because you’re right.
I went through a similar crisis when I was 30. I wish I could tell you an easy way to get through it, but the truth is the best way is to just keep going. Tackle one thing at a time and make yourself the top priority.
Just keep going.
Nicole Says:
Now - I say this with love - I wish you would have talked to me ya dumbass. I could have taken us both out on the company dime for a VERY needed large cocktail somewhat like the one in your graphic and we could have talked and cried and I would have given you a few more days off and told you that you are loved and appreciated and supported and as much as I’ll miss you (first and foremost as a friend but you’re also an AMAZING employee), I am seriously so proud of you for being strong enough and brave enough to face it.
Now get yer ass back in your chair and pay some billz. xoxo
This is NOT the life I pictured… » Blog Archive » Talk is Cheap Says:
[…] My friend wrote a comment today on a previous post that made me think about the fact that I write much better than I talk. For instance, if you would have asked me how I was doing the day I wrote that post, I probably would have told you that I am “good”. I probably would have told you about my plans for my move or the Jamaica vacation or the cross country trip. If you emailed me that day, you would have gotten a response very close to the post I wrote. For me, writing has always been the best way to express my feelings. The deepest ones. If I tried to say what I say on this blog in a conversation I probably would be nervously laughing and trying to gauge how you are feeling about me the whole time. In the end, I wouldn’t say half the things I say on here or in email or on birthday cards. I think when I speak; I am way too busy trying to assess how the other person is receiving the info than what I am truly trying to get across. […]
The wanna be teacher Says:
Hi Deb,
I have never been on here before but I was feeling really shitty today and upset with myself because I am letting alot of stress get to me and I just for the millionth time took it all out on my boyfriend. I am in teachers college right now and I absolutely have no idea if I really want to be a teacher. I am far away from my friends and family and I’m just so lost. When I read your story I cried over and over becuase I realized that there is someone out there who feels just like me. Overwhelmed is the perfect word for it! I don’t know how to make things better and to be honest I have no idea if leaving that guy is the right thing to do because sometimes I feel like that is what woudl be best for me too. I love my boyfriend but I can’t help but wonder if he is really just holding me back because he is at such a different place in life than I am. Well either way I’d love to share some of my feelings with you and I woudl love to have someone else to talk to about these feelings we seem to share so if you ever want to talk please e-mail me. I hope it helps you to know that you really are not alone, there are others just like you and for what it’s worth fuck the money problems. I have lived that way my whole life and in the end it makes you worse off than you were before. get a loan or save as hard as you can. Don’t ruin your life just for the stability that money brings.