Mean Girls
You know, I thought a lot more people I knew would be on MySpace. Granted, most people my age are either busy procreating or working their asses off, few(with the exception of those in my industry), it seems, are paying attention to the hottest thing to hit popular culture since MTV(yeah, I said it). At 31, I did not have a cell phone or a computer until I was out of college. “WHAT?” The young ones are saying. “Before computers? What did you do?? Surely no one was ALIVE then”! Oh but we were and we were ok. Maybe not in touch with each other every second of the day but we made due with the old trusty telephone(cord attached). I actually really thank God that we didn’t have text messaging when I was in high school or college, no one ever would have dated me.
Anyway, this is not my old biddy “When I was your age” post. It is about how a person that I haven’t spoken to since I was 15 got in contact with me. She sent me an email through MySpace and my junior high years came rushing back. Much to my dismay. Junior high was not a happy time for me. As much as high school was tough and full of dramatic angst ridden moments, junior high was 10 times worse for me. 10. times. worse. High school I found my kindred spirits, I found my place and I found friends that were NICE to me. It was a change.
The girl that emailed me, we’ll call her Carolyn. Carolyn was a nice person so I wrote her back to see how she was doing. Honestly, I truly care about how Carolyn is coming along in her life but her email reminded me that last April I had gotten an email from one of my other friends from that time in my life. My “best friend” from that time, Casey. I honestly could do a fuck off and die post about her. Still. To. This. Day. It’s hard for me even to talk about Casey but I will because ever since I heard from Carolyn I have not been able to stop thinking about her.
I think I have posted before about how I had befriended the school bully in 4th grade. Casey was that school bully. The reasons I did this, in my opinion, was that I had been picked on to no end when I was little. The kids who lived on my block were mostly older and my father was hittin the sauce a scant too much for me to have friends over. So, I ended up being the outcast. I think in 4th grade, I decided I had enough and it was my turn to be the bully. Unfortunately, I wasn’t really cut out to be a bully. I cried at the drop of a hat and was extremely religious. If one of my friends cursed I would say “she’s sorry, God” right after they did it. I guess I kind of ended up being Casey’s lackey. I would be mean enough to get a laugh out of her and I knew I was safe because everyone else was scared of her.
Casey was fiercely loyal. If anyone said a bad thing about me, they were backed up in a corner in teh playground pleading for their dear life. The problem was that she even bullied me and I was her “best friend”. She was just mean for no reason, well, no, there was a reason, because it was “fun” to be mean. When we would get in a fight, as girls in elementary school and junior high often did, she would turn on me so fast it made my head spin. All of a sudden, I would be the one that she focused all of her attention on. It would be a constant barrage of insults, teasing and threats of bodily harm. When she was angry at you, she was a force. People would laugh at you with her, not really for any reason except they were afraid of her too.
In 10th grade, I was able to have enough confidence in myself to pull away from her. Luckily, Casey was too busy with her boyfriend at the time to really pay attention to the fact that I was slowly weaving my way out of her life. Being friends with her was sort of like the mob, the moment you weren’t friends with her anymore, you were her target. For awhile, I got away with making new friends and not calling her. Finally, it got to the point where I would pass her in the hall and barely give her a smile. Casey and my old “friends” would stare me down in the hallway(this did not include Carolyn, Carolyn had more important issues she was dealing with at that time and she wasn’t very close to them anymore either), whisper and laugh at me when I went by. It didn’t really bother me because I knew I was better off. I wanted to go to college and get out of my hometown, two things I knew many in that group of friends were not looking to do. I walked away from them because I had found people that had the same goals that I did essentially but I also, couldn’t shake the good feelings I had when I would get into an argument with someone who didn’t immediately threaten to kick my ass.
When I was in 11th grade, Casey finally officially turned on me. Her actions, along with another “friend” from junior high, kicked off one of the worst times in my life. I was walking down the hallway between classes and she was walking behind me with this “friend”. I could hear both of them giggling and I knew I was fucked. I heard, in the loudest voices possible, them start to make fun of me. So that EVERYONE in the hallway could hear them. They were laughing obnoxiously and pointing. I really can’t even remember what they said but I know I was humiliated. I tried to hold in all the tears until I was well away from them. I met my real friends in the hallway who decided that day that they were mad at me for a different reason(ahh, high school). They did feel badly enough for me to comfort me and then tell me after school that they were upset with me. I recall that shortly after that day I had my first bout with depression. I am not saying my depression was caused by this chick but I do remember that incident because it was followed shortly by that first confusing dark period in my life.
Flash forward to April 2005. I was getting ready to go back to Philly to be with my mother through her chemo for breast cancer. I get an email through my classmates.com from Casey. She was talking about how she had a 9 year old daughter and as she was talking to her, she was recalling stories of when she was a young girl. Of course, this made her think of me. Lucky me. I was stunned that this person had the balls to contact me. I proceeded to then delete it. My mother had cancer, I couldn’t deal with that “best friend” coming back into my life even if she had changed or grown up to be a damn saint or whatever. All I knew is that her energy made me feel small and I was no longer the little scared girl who felt that she deserved to be small. Plus, I knew that no matter how nice she was, we would have nothing in common now. I deleted that email and never thought of it again.
Until Carolyn’s email a few days ago. I was struck with the feelings I had about Casey. I have actual hostility towards her. I didn’t think I had feelings about anyone that even resembles hostility from my past. Even people with her name give rise to a mixed feeling of dread and anger. I realize I need to let this go. I mean, it has been too long of a time and I am much to old to be harboring old resentments of my school days. I always felt sorry for people like that. People that were still upset in their twenties and thirties because they weren’t popular in high school or because that one boy rejected them when they asked him to prom. Without realizing it, I am one of those people. All because of one small girl who made me her bitch a really long long time ago.
Fucking bitch. Oh dear, sorry God.
Fizzle Says:
Oof, that recounting is a difficult one. You had a tough bout. I wonder if those years are fun for anyone?
it’s also amazing that what holds as a really powerful and depressing time for you meant absolutely nothing to the Casey character. She’s used to throwing her around, to being the center by force and having everyone fearfully like her. She didn’t conceive that bullying would hurt you. But as an adult? Really? She didn’t see that she owed you (and probably everyone else) an apology in that email? I’d be so pissed. There’s a time when we all have to grow the fuck up.
The anger will go, you just have to figure out the right way to let it be….
-fiz
snackiepoo Says:
It’s funny what you said about MySpace because my sister and I have them just to search for people we knew in the old days and have ended up pretty much with friends that we already have now or that are on our blogrolls anyway, LOL. My theory is that most of the people I would want to find are too cool to have MySpace, unless of course, they are like us…ahem.
I totally know how you feel about your friend; my clique had a ringleader named Jamie and each year, Jamie decided to ostracize someone and the whole clique did not talk to them….senior year was my year and although I had friends at other schools to fall back on, school sucked so much that I got my GED halfway through and quit early…that is how traumatized I was, so I definitely feel ya.
snackiepoo Says:
Oh but now, I am soooo adding you, btw.
Miss Britt Says:
i can totally relate to this. I had a friend turned bitch-bent-on-making-me-miserable and it was one of those times in life that still makes me cry or scream at the thought of it. i don’t want to be that girl that can’t get over high school - but you can’t help but feel robbed of that time and wronged… even all these years later.
I can’t help it - i take sick pleasure in seeing that she is still a bitch… and now other people aren’t too scared to say so.
Chase Says:
Um. Before I read this post, I have to say : SONOFABITCH THIS IS THE LONGEST POST EVER AND I’M ONLY READING IT IN HOPES THAT YOU’RE NOT SUCH A WHORE WHEN I’M DONE!!!!!”
Bitch.
Off to read.
(love you!)
Chase Says:
Ok. That wasn’t too terrible.
Dude. Do you want me to come kick some Casey ass? Because I totally will. You’re one of the sweetest, funniest, prettiest, dorkiest girls I know. And I adore you.
(And, no, I’m not hitting on you. You wish. Slut.)
I never had a problem with bullies. I don’t think there WERE bullies in my little school. I’m so glad. Like that time of your life could be any more rough.
*hugs*
Breathe in. Breathe out.
(Not on a cigarette)
ps. love your slip of Eddie in there…’over fiffffty yearssss agoooo’ Heheheh!
mike Says:
Wow…we come from totally diferent worlds….I’ve been out of school more than 25 years and still have many of the same friends. Maybe guys are much different than women though.
3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) Says:
This post reminded me that I didn’t like my jr. high years AT ALL. But for the life of me I can’t remember the names of my bullies. (Must have been the drugs I did in the 80’s)
;-)
Great post Deb. If I could I’d help you kick Casey’s ass.
(I’m joking-sort of.)
3T
Mr. Fabulous Says:
I used to hold grudges and harbor resentment for a long time as well. Not anymore. I guess time forces a little wisdom upon us whether we like it or not.
special k Says:
I don’t know that there’s anything as entangled as the relationships between girls. I have a lot of women friends whom I adore, admire and keep very close to my heart, but some early experiences I had make me scoff a little whenever I hear women talk about the solidarity of sisterhood.
My ass, I think to myself. Even adult women, ones supposedly mature and “over it,” are capable of treating other women with a viciousness of fickle spite that needs to be seen to be believed. Whether this is the result of past wounds exorcising themselves or whatever, it’s real, and it takes work to overcome, to heal.
Good onya for recognizing it. Most don’t.
Piece of Work Says:
Wow. I can’t believe she emailed you either–and didn’t start off the email immediately with a “please forgive me”. God the teenage years–so much angst. So much trauma. And for what? just because teenagers are insecure and haven’t learned how to hide it better yet I guess.
You are right, though, Deb–it’s time to let it go.
The last line made me giggle.
owensmomma Says:
I can completely relate to this entry! Highschool, junior high, bleh, bleh, bleh! I had a bully-friend in elementary. Her name was Angie though. Thank God she changed schools at the beginning of junior high.
Anyway. I love reading your blog! It’s great! Keep on keepin’ on! tee-hee!
)
~Kellie
Karl Says:
Ugh, high school. Hell, school school. Hated all of it. I was a bully magnet. Short. Glasses. Asthma. Buck teeth. Smart. Nerd. A bully’s wet dream. I’ll have to write about it some time.
I can’t blame you for taking up with a bully. I sure as hell wished that I was best friends with the bullies many times. Anything to make them stop picking on me.
Even though it hurt like hell at the time, I think it’s clear you made the right choice to pull away from her. You definitely took the right road when it came to those crossroads. And now you have great relationships in your life. And only the friends that love you immensely dare to call you “whore.”
Mocha Says:
Wow. Long, difficult post you wrote. Are you feeling better after writing it? Was it cathartic for you? I hope so. You need more time to heal. You need (and tell me to shove it up my ass if I’m wrong) to confront them. Tell them WHY you don’t want to talk to them. Why they no longer walk on your planet. Why your decision to cut them off is only a manifestation of their earlier actions.
Because they may apologize. Or they may not. Still, you’ll feel better.
Ok. Shoving it up my own ass now. What do I know?
Also, I said that Eddie Izzard line IN HIS VOICE. “Surely no one was ALIVE then.”
Dawn (webmiztrs) Says:
I always laugh (inwardly of course) at homeschoolers, but looking back, that would have made my life a hell of a lot easier!
I can’t believe she would bother contacting you! I think I’d be pissed if any of my old bullies were to send me and email acting all buddy-buddy with me. The jerks!
TB Says:
Wow, what an amazing post.
First of all, cutting a toxic friend out of your life is something to be proud of. Yes, maybe she’s a different person now, but you don’t have to be the one to find out if you’re not up to it.
Second, my mom had breast cancer also. and Jeff’s mom is a breast cancer survivor. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.
Mindless Dribbler Says:
My ex wife is a hillbilly redneck amazon.
For a little extra child support, she’d kick Godzilla’s ass.
You want I could give her a call?
Nah, let it go….you seem self confident enough to not let the pissants from the past get to you.
jane Says:
I think so few people actually enjoyed their junior or high school years. And girls especially, are SO hateful. Maybe that’s why so few women trust other women.
It’s good to get past hurts out.
kapgar Says:
Not fun. I went through all the same crap through my final few years of grade school and into junior high. By high school, I had managed to make myself appear impervious to the shit that gets flung in school hallways. At least to the degree that people stopped really bothering me. I dunno how I did it, but it seemed to work.
Ananke Says:
I went through pretty much the same thing my freshman year of high school except the girl who picked on me wasn’t even a friend. We just had a class together. I’m not even sure what got it started but she proceeded to make my life a living hell for the ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR. Even got her asshole friends involved. And I was so shy and backward then, I let them do it. I just thought if I didn’t do anything, they’d get tired of picking on me and stop. It made sense at the time. The only thing that stopped it was our summer break. The next school year, I guess she moved on to someone else. She even had the balls to ask me once if what she and her friends had done bothered me. Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! But I still didn’t tell her “YES” because I thought that would start it all up again. To this day, I’d give anything to find that bitch and shove my fist down her fucking throat. So don’t feel bad, you’re not alone. Maybe we can start a support group for People Still Trying To Get Over Their High School Traumas.
Christina Says:
Oh, this post brought back so many memories for me. I generally try to forget I even had a childhood. It’s easier to think of things only after I went to college.
I struggled with the idea of going to my 10 year high school reunion. But I did go, and it was OK. A lot of the people I didn’t want to see weren’t there, so I was happy about that. But it was still tough.
Izzy Says:
Deb, Have you ever considered getting back in touch with her and letting it rip? chances are she doesn’t remember things the way you do and will be surprised and possibly even apologetic. But most importantly, it might relieve you of this burden that is obviously preying on you after all these yars. Letting go is easy when you’re able to face up to the problem, which in this case, is Casey. Just a some food for thought.
I’m not really a shrink. I just play one on TV
nicole Says:
I know how you feel. My “best friend” in grammar school also had another friend who went to a different school. That friend transferred to our school and my “best friend” and her other friend teamed up on me and made my life miserable for over a year. I was so happy when both of them moved away. Many years later I ran into the former best friend and she had the audacity to hug me and act like she was so happy to see me and we were always the best of friends. Come to think of it, this has happened a few times with girls who were mean to me when we were younger. WTF is wrong with them? I’m too nice to tell them to fuck off but really, are they insane? One even went so far to invite me over and give me her number. No way. The way I look at it is that even if they “grew up” there is still that same person deep down inside and anyone who could be that cruel to others is not someone I want to associate with. Sorry for the long-winded comment.
BlondeBlogger Says:
Deb, I know exactly how you feel. I had a ton of “Caseys” in school and I also haven’t gotten over my resentment or the hurt. I don’t think it ever really goes away.
I’m so glad schools are taking bullying more seriously these days. Before, they did nothing and said, “kids will be kids” without realizing the lasting damage it creates.
I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’ll pray that you can find that inner peace.
((((HUGS)))))
BlondeBlogger Says:
To Dawn: you laugh at me?!!!
Yes, this is one advantage to homeschool, and one of the thousands of reasons I chose to homeschool. I think it’s had a tremendous affect on my children’s self-worth.