Old Timey Notebook Writing 3/20/05
I wrote this after seeing “Prozac Nation”. Since I am such a bundle of joy lately, I thought I’d post it. Also, I am a lazy ass that doesn’t feel like doing a real post.
I was watching a movie last night called “Prozac Nation”, it was a movie from a book a woman who dealt with depression wrote. I don’t know. I could relate to some of it. That everything is a crisis. She couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. She couldn’t be creative or write or concentrate. A fear of rejection because of her father rejecting her. She was a little more dramatic about it than me though. I feel like anytime I watch something about someone being depressed that it is over dramatized. Like they throw things and get drunk constantly. I guess that happens to some people. That has never happened to me. I feel like depression is more quiet than that. Not being able to function is what it mainly is. Feeling intensely sorry for yourself all the time. Selfish to the point that the world becomes so small. Lack of motivation to do much of anything. Fear of everything. I guess for me, it’s about being afraid. Who knows. The point is, I identified slightly but at the end, I just felt she needed to be nicer to her damn mother. I guess with me, depression is never all consuming. I press on to function, I press on to be happy, I press on to seem “normal”. I just don’t “go crazy”.
Sometimes I feel like it might be slightly relieving to just go “bat shit crazy”, y’know? It may be nice to run around screaming at people and then tell them that I am convinced I am going to die any minute. To me, that seems like too much effort when I am depressed. I don’t think people even know I am depressed until I tell them after I get help for it. It’s funny because it’s so damn embarrassing. Why is it so embarrassing still? Half the fucking world is on antidepressants. Hell, even people who don’t get depressed are on them. Everyone needs help at some point. If it’s not depression, it’s panic, addiction, weight problems, money problems, death of a parent or loved one. We all need help when we get knocked down, right? Why do we always have SUCH a hard time asking for it?
P.S. I probably should make clear that this is from my notebook last year and I just thought I’d post it. I am not depressed now.
Kel Says:
((big hugs)) sweetie. Depression sucks. BTDT. It just sucks everything out of you.
Chin up and take it one day at a time.
Kentucky Girl Says:
I wanna go bat shit crazy so I can scare all my neighbors.
Lysie Says:
I’ve suffered from Depression all my life. It sucks ass. When I was younger I pretty was bat shit crazy all the time. That got kind of tiring after a while and I had to learn to deal with my shit. I’m still on meds and I’ve been pretty together for the past 7 years but there are times when hell yeah going apeshit seems like such a releif.
Bec Says:
I, too, have suffered from depression for a long long time. Prozac Nation was my favourite book for so long (I identified really badly with it). I had two copies, a clean one and one I would write notes in and underline passages I identified with. About 2/3rds of the book was underlined. I never have got round to seeing the film.